July Fourth Shutdown.  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 4, 2017, 12:45 p.m.   |   Public I can barely move. I can barely think. Everything is slow and methodical. I’m typing like a … I dunno. It’s like reality is too horrible and all I can do is retreat into myself. I’m alone in my room, and I could barely get the coffee maker plugged in. I missed the plug twice. I make my toast and coffee in here, and I have a bottle of Parkay Squeeze that I shake before I use it, and I couldn’t do the shaking motion today. Like moving that fast is physically impossible. I don’t “feel” anything. All I know is I need OUT. And I have nowhere to go. So I will try to move forward. But I have the noose, carefully constructed to block blood flow but not air. So if I just CAN’T go on, I have that. Today we were supposed to go watch the fireworks. I don’t want to, but he’ll expect it. So at eight I’ll be ready, and I’ll have my double ear protect...

Today in people I want to bludgeon:  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 6, 2017, 10:11 a.m.   |   Public Am I the only one who walks through a home improvement store, picking up various objects, and imagining how gratifying it would be to plant them upside people’s heads? Brief update, first, since so many people were so kind: I’m not dead yet; obviously. The fourth and the fifth were what I would’ve previously called “normal” days. But I’m keeping track. Assuming that I don’t kill myself before then, things are going to change when I get paid. Now: Someone on r/Aspergirls made a post looking for an article that she could show her husband, to help him better understand her; and a commenter posted a link to this: http://c.ymcdn.com/sites/www.naswma.org/resource/resmgr/imported/FCE_AspergerMarriage.pdf  Which appears to be a treatise on the unspeakable horrors of being a neurotypical female, married to an aspie male. ...

I hate psychiatrists.  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 8, 2017, 2:13 p.m.   |   Public Okay, I hate most things, but having been misdiagnosed as bipolar  twice , (And you better believe I gave them what for the second time. They tried it get me to fill out a grievance, but I told them I never wanted to see that incompetent quack again; not even for her to apologize.) and assigned “dialectical therapy” at the third one, (which requires you to identify your emotions. Newsflash, morons, like most people on the spectrum, I don’t know  what  I’m feeling, if anything, 90% of the freaking time.) I flat out dread going to psychiatrist number four next week. From what I’ve read on r/aspergirls, it is waaay too common that adult females with ASD get misdiagnosed as borderline, antisocial, bipolar, and having various anxiety disorders or ADHD. If I weren’t trying for SSI, I wouldn’t even f!@#ing bother. And that’s ano...

Psychiatrist list; my issues:  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 8, 2017, 3:28 p.m.   |   Public My therapist said: “When you go to see a psychiatrist, they may diagnose you with anything. They may diagnose you as antisocial. But  I  think your biggest issues are ASD and grief-related PTSD.” I’m very sensitive to sound. Especially high pitched, loud, children; and women. It literally gives me a headache, very quickly. I carry earplugs, earbuds with comply foam tips, and Howard Leight L0F gun range earmuffs. - Even with all of that, it’s uncomfortable to leave the earmuffs on constantly, so every trip out of the house is a nightmare. - I have to have earplugs in, or the earmuffs on, to feed all of my animals, or all of the meeping and whining drives me crazy and I start yelling, and slightly shaking. - I wear earplugs at home MOST of the time, because of the dog, and her constant sounds. (Thumping, tapping, panting, ...

A second list for the psychiatrist:  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 9, 2017, 3:18 p.m.   |   Public General weirdness about me: Definitely tell the psychiatrist: I’ve never had more than one or two friends, (in real life); ever, at any point in my life. Every, (and I do mean every), job or school I’ve ever been at, I am the target of bullying. Sometime in my twenties I started saying mean things back, because f!@# that. I need things to be neat. As in, in organized rows, or it drives me crazy. I even line up the seams on my chapstick tube when I close it. I’ve always done that. I “W sit”. Always have. If I’m in a chair, at least one of my feet is under me. When I’m at home, I do often rock. I never know what to do with my hands. They’re usually in a weird position if I’m not doing anything with them. In public I always keep ahold of something to hide that. The idea of getting pregnant and giving birth has al...

I've officially reached the saturation point for his stupidity.  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 10, 2017, 9:48 a.m.   |   Public So the Male has been noticeably trying to be less argumentative; and by asking him a lot of direct questions, I’ve slowly chiseled out a basic grasp of his moronic problem, and the cause of his “stress”. (And a lot of his answers were yelled at me in exasperation, like I was supposed to somehow already know all of this stupidity. As if anybody in their right mind would have a problem like his.) This dip!@#$ wants to buy EVERYTHING that he wants to have to re-do the house AT ONCE. Wallpaper, ceiling tile, cabinets, counters, bathroom fixtures, paint, carpet, the works. The idea of spending $40 for a delivery fee from Menards more than once is unfathomable to his tiny, little brain. And I quote: “I could wind up spending $160 in delivery fees! No!” (- Um, newsflash, nitwit. You’re not Miss Cleo. Yo...

Psychiatrist #4  in  People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.  July 12, 2017, 12:59 a.m.   |   Public I am pleased to announce, does not appear to be an idiot. I have a prescription for Zoloft, with her reasoning being that, since I don’t know what I’m feeling, it’s possible that I could “have some depression”. After two weeks of that, I see her again, and depending on how I’m doing she also wants to try an antipsychotic mood stabilizer, to hopefully help with the meltdowns. That sounds reasonable to me. So, if I wind up on both, I’ll officially be taking a beta blocker, an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, a sedative, and pain killers. I wanted to appear genuinely disabled for the SSI judge.  That  should certainly do it. I can see it now: Judge: “You look very composed.” Me: “It takes a lot of medication to keep me this way.” She also wants me to get some blood work done which I dread, but I can go to any lab I like. So I’ll g...