Nov 6th 2016

I dont think I'm capable of "love". in People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.

  •  Nov. 6, 2016, 1:17 a.m.
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I’ve been utterly obsessed with a few guys, one of whom I married and then divorced a few years later, because he was just an absolutely despicable human being. But I’ve never been ” in love” in the normal sense of the word.
My mother said of my ex-husband, “you thought the sun rose and sat in his @$$”. He was a criminal, he sold drugs, and he stole things; so in my insecurity I followed him everywhere to try to keep him out of trouble. His solution to that was to lock me in the bedroom or give me valium to knock me out. When he went to prison the second time, I knew that when he got out he would go back again, and be charged as a habitual criminal; with a mandatory twenty year sentence. So after much bawling, I got an annulment. Which you can do, if your spouse is incarcerated, and it avoids having to split your property or debts. I kept all of the property, he kept the debts.
And after that, I met this incredibly nice guy who bought me lots of stuff and obviously put me on a pedestal. The thing is, I was never attracted to him in the least. He’s older than me, and about thirty five pounds heavier, and about as exciting as potato soup.
I’m naturally attracted to bad guys. My greatest obsessions were both drug dealers with unpredictable behavior and psychological problems. After my husband, I made the decision that “following my heart” was a terrible idea. So I got into a now twenty year relationship with captain boring.
Intentionally having a partnership with a person I’m not in love with means that I often appreciate him, sometimes I respect him, and most days I do actually miss him and enjoy his company when he gets home; but when we argue I lose all concern for him whatsoever.
There are days when I tell him “come home in one piece” as he leaves for work, then later that evening, after a spat over something mediocre, I have to get out of the room before I start threatening to kill him.
Word of advice: Never poke an already irritated aspie. You can incite a meltdown, which is NOT a temper tantrum, is nigh on completely uncontrollable, and can get you hurt. No joke. I’m personally acquainted with four men on the spectrum, and three of them have been in jail for assault or attempted murder. Personally I just yell and kick things or break ink pens, usually.
Bottom line: I don’t think I “love” this guy. And I don’t think I ever “loved” any of the others, either; unless allowing yourself to be subsumed by someone else’s personality qualifies as “love”.
I have no idea what neurotypicals feel when they say they “love” someone, and I never will.
Like everything else, it’s either too intense or nonexistent, with me.
Last updated November 06, 2016

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