Oct. 31st 2016

I get run out of every place I post. in People suck. Cats are awesome. Dogs are alright.

•  Oct. 31, 2016, 10:55 a.m.
 
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• Public

It always goes the same way. Some idiot @#&$es me off, so I tell them off and leave. I can’t post on forums or reddit. Facebook is okay, by virtue of the fact that you can block an unlimited number of idiots. I’ll soon find out whether or not that’s true here, I suspect.

I am beyond sick of being told that I need to change, that I’m in the wrong. I have a @#&$ing neurological disorder, radically worsened by decades of going undiagnosed and consequently insulted at every turn and literally left to die by my family.

My life is approximately half over. @#&$ the world and everyone in it. I will be myself, and the vast herds of cattle that call themselves people will just have to cope. I’m through censoring myself for the sake of the stupid. The human species is a cancer upon the earth. Hating me for stating the obvious doesn’t change the reality.

Today in particular, my primary frustration is with the husband. He’s the only living human being, (okay, one of three living human beings, but he’s at the top of the list), whom I give two @#&$s about, and he continually fails to appreciate the precariousness of that position.

Last night, a curtain was partially open, after I took out a clamp lamp I had aimed at our Halloween side yard cemetery. He says, “that window is still half open”. I say no, it’s not. He says, “the curtain is”. I say oh, okay, and close it. Then this piece of #@&$ goes on about how he doesn’t like to sit there with a window open, because he worries someone might look in the window; and of course I tell him that he’s a bigger irritation to me than any fictional prowler might be to him, and we proceed to argue for several minutes, until I finally get the last word and go to my room.

This morning I asked him for an apology and got ignored. I reminded him that Asperger’s means I take things literally. He said the window was open. It wasn’t. The curtain was. And I reminded him that he has promised me, at least twice, that he wouldn’t get mad at me for not understanding him. That that was the @#&$ up on his part. He just ignored me. He left for work without comment.

Normally, we eat dinner together and watch a movie. This being Halloween, the plan was to order a pizza. That won’t be happening if he doesn’t apologize. And in the meantime, as always happens when he’s a prick, I’ve lost all affection for him.

I go from appreciating him and worrying about him on days when he’s nice, (which is most of the time, in fairness), to genuinely wishing he’d get clipped by a truck and break his leg, on days like today. When he was shaving earlier, I told one of the cats that I’d be five kinds of amused if he turned the razor sideways and sliced his face open.

This is the man who cooks me dinner every night, and watches whatever I pick out to see, and generally buys whatever I ask for, within reason. And I’d laugh if he were painfully injured, because of what I logically know to be a simple misunderstanding. I could drop him like a rock right now, and feel nothing but a passing sense of glee, because today and yesterday, he’s been a prick.

The only reason I don’t, is because I did that in years past, and I learned that he will eventually make it up to me, and then I’ll care about him again. But if he weren’t exceptionally good at kissing my @$$, we would’ve split a LONG time ago.

Yes, I realize that I have ice cubes for a heart. My therapist keeps reassuring me that “you’re a good person”, but either her basis for comparison is really, really, sad, or she’s just flat out lying because that’s what she gets paid to do. I’ve watched women cry and moan to each other over relationships WAY too many times to think that the way I feel about mine is anything even vaguely resembling “normal”. I’m not sure I even “love” him, really. “Love” is supposed to be this mountain moving emotion, that people tear themselves apart over. I’m pretty sure that I really just appreciate and care about him, (when he’s nice, anyway).

The really sad part is that, without him, I’d be more or less alone in the world. I never see anyone but him, aside from doctors and my therapist. And I’m sure I’d be miserably lonely without him. But not enough to to let bull@#&$ like last night fly.

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Last updated October 31, 2016